It Begins

Light in my eyes. Bright, obscene, enraging. I preferred the shadows, the darkness, the total absence of light that I had been living in. But no, they had to drag me out. Kicking, screaming, begging to be let free. Now I am here. Stuck. Tied to a chair, the light shining on me, on my eyes, into my soul.

She will be free, she will be whole again, she will cease her unwanted behaviour. They want to make me who I was. Once, long ago, I was her. They loved her. But she was only a part of me. Slowly we became one, when they weren’t looking. We became me.

There were once several of us. The different faces for different situations, different people. Not separate personalities per se, more like separate masks. They miss the mask they knew. They don’t seem to realize that behind it was always me.

She was the first mask. The first one I created. The first one I had to be to fit in, to keep them unaware. It worked for so long that I forgot myself. I was her. I was hidden even from myself. For years I was other. Other masks over the one that was her. They hid even her from the outside world, from the ones that would hurt her.

And then he came. He stripped away all the other masks, washed away all the other paint. All that remained was her, and me. He did not know about me. He thought that she was all there was. He wanted someone that wasn’t her though. He wanted more of me. He didn’t know what he was asking for.

He thought that he was adding to her, he was stripping more and more away. He wanted a woman to do his bidding. He gained a woman that knew how to anticipate his needs, his wants, his every desire. He wanted a woman that would not question his orders, his requests, his decisions. He did not see that he gained a woman that saw everything, I had no need to question, I knew I was going to make him pay.

I tried to simply let him go. I grew tired of being hurt and so I gave it one last try to just let him walk away. It hurt so much to watch him walk away but I knew that all that remained between me and the rest of the world was the smallest part of my mask. I tried to rebuild her, I truly did. I needed her. She was all that kept me safe from the world. She was all that kept the world safe from me.

I did all I could to build her back up. But he kept trying to come back into my life. Every time he tried to strip more away. He kept taking what was rebuilt. And with every bit he took, he took a little more. My only way to survive was to take what was left of her and merge her in with myself. I didn’t know what would happen.

I blocked every access to me that I knew still remained. I ran. I hid. I tried to no longer exist as far as he would know. But still he found me. He used a path I forgot existed, one I could not close. He found me in the morning, and through the day he reminded me that I was his. He told me that I had no one else. He told me no one else would even notice if I was no longer around. He told me that I had no choice, that I was still, and would always be, his.

Did you know that when the only good remaining in you is under attack that the rest of you will defend it? I tried to bolster my light, I made my calls. Again I was without support. No one that would understand was there. The only one I could find I could not confide in, he would kill for me. I would die for him. And so I did the only thing I could.

I took the remainder of my light, I let my darkness engulf it, surround it, absorb it.  I saw her in my eyes, the new me, the fully integrated me. I watched as the light withdrew, hid. I watched as the crimson grew, became vibrant, filled my eyes, my heart. I would guard the light, save it for those that deserved it.

Within a few days I did as I was requested, I went to see him. I allowed him to touch me. I permitted his kiss. I welcomed his taste. When he was no longer watchful, when he allowed his walls to rest, when his cock was buried deep inside of me, I made him pay. I gently stroked his cheek, a move he was accustomed to from me. As my thumbs slid down I adjusted my course and pressed them deep into his eyes. As I did, I locked my legs around his thighs, he could not back away, he could not pull out, his cock was deep inside of me and I felt it harden with the pain before the rest of his body reacted.


When he could not see, as he opened his mouth to scream, I pulled my daggers from beneath the pillows. One was stabbed through his throat, blood sprayed over my hot, sweaty body. The other slid between our bodies and removed what connected us. I released my legs, he flew backwards, I felt his cock slip from my pussy, the blood pouring over my legs. I stepped over to him, I removed my dagger from his throat, more blood, I was coated in it. I stood and watched him as he died. The last words he heard was my nearly silent goodbye.

Bloody Woman

I suppose I would have gotten away with it had I thought before I left. A naked, blood coated woman tends to attract attention after all. They decided that his harassment of me had caused me to snap. So now I am here. Sitting in the light as they discuss what they think should be done. I know what I have to do to gain my freedom. I will build her back up. She will return, in a fashion. She will be simply a mask again though. The portions of her that they search for, that they believe count, the light is no longer. No one will see it again. But the mask, the mask will return.


I will remain. There are others out there, others that hurt, others that must pay. And I will be there.

Crimson Duchess

(With thanks to Emory & Crimson Princess for the pictures)


Slowly he moves,

gliding around the corner.

Silently he stalks her.

She is unaware of his presence,

she does not know she is followed.

She walks through the house,

tossing her keys onto the table,

he watches them as they land.

Her purse gets hung on the chair,

he brushes it softly as he passes by.


She walks into her bedroom,

her shirt, skirt and heels

are discarded without thought,

without concern.

This is her place after all,

there should be no one else here.

He sits on the bed  and softly touches her shirt

as he hears the water begin in the shower.

He hears her pull back the curtain,

the interruption in the stream signaling

that she is in the water now.

open door

He listens for a moment more

then he is at the door.

He slips quietly into the already foggy washroom.

He steps around her under things

laying discarded on the floor.

Her towel is sitting on the counter,

he touches it gently as he moves

closer to the curtain.

He reaches out slowly,

grasps the edge of the curtain

pulls it just a little ways open.


She screams.

He gets soaked

her sudden movement

sprays water everywhere.

She laughs as her cat bolts down the hall.


Crimson Duchess


I opened my eyes and saw you.

Nothing else, just you.

Again. Always.

Without change,

without end,

without reason.

I closed my eyes.


I drifted.

Heard nothing.

Felt nothing.

Saw nothing.

But I felt you,

your presence,


I slept.



Warmth on my face.

I try to burrow back

into my dreams.

Where you are.




I can’t stand it anymore.

The world is gray,


without life,

without love.


Without you.


So many pills.

I take them, all of them.

I lay upon my bed.

I close my eyes.

I feel nothing,

weak, tired,


without you.


I open my eyes.




Crimson Duchess

Personal Awakening

Ok let’s get this out there. I have been a bad Duchess. For the last couple of weeks, ok more like the last month, I have found myself stumped. Unable to focus on one thing alone I have been jumping between several different projects or simply allowing myself to get totally overwhelmed and so writing not one word. There are those of you that write every day, and always I feel honoured to be given the opportunity to read what you put out there. I will admit though, that there are times I feel totally out classed (give me a sec Keeper please before you get upset with me). Now I have mentioned this before, hence the aside to our Keeper there. But I think you all understand what I am saying, and I am fairly certain we have all felt this way. I do have a point I promise.

Because I’ve been feeling this way, even though Keeper told me not to be an idiot (paraphrasing!), I began pulling back, slipping back into my cubby. I’m been talking to everyone but only when spoken to, or at least mainly. And when I’ve made an attempt and gotten no reply, I decided that it just proved my point. (No Keeper I am not referring purely to you I promise.) Then the other night I felt as if everyone that I love had let me down. Now before anyone gets defensive or upset, finish reading please. Normally when someone lets me down, in any manner, I simply step back, sigh quietly to myself, and move on. It hurts but I tuck it away inside. I pull back from the one(s) that hurt me, sometimes I will eventually walk away completely. But please keep in mind, I do not permit myself to blow up, rage, freak out, whatever you wish to call it. When it comes to someone I care about, I might say something but still not in the style in which I reacted the other night.

Now originally this was going to be an apology, I was going to explain where my head has been the last month, apologize for flipping out, and fade quietly away when no one was looking. I felt that I would be able to quietly close out Twitter, FB, anything under the Siara name and that not one person would even notice. I had plans to do so over the course of the next couple of weeks and by the end of February Siara would be no more. I will say I did make an attempt to talk to someone about it but *shrug* life interfered and I could not reach the person I was trying to call.

And then a couple of odd things happened within an hour of each other. The first was a private message I received on Twitter. It was from someone I believe I’ve spoken to maybe a half a dozen times. We follow each other but we don’t know each other, if that makes sense. I used to say goodnight every night before I would log. I stopped when it seemed to me that no one was reading it anyway so what was the point. A couple of times in the last week I have felt compelled to do so. Last night, I said “Goodnight my loves, dream well, dream strong, & no matter what remember there is always somewhere you belong, someone that loves you *hugs*” Now it’s nothing unusual. I’ve said similar things in the past. However I received a message from this man this morning telling me something that amazed me. He told me that he had left his Twitter up last night and his daughter saw my goodnight. I guess they’ve had a rough couple of months and she was feeling worse than even he knew. She was heading back to her room with a bottle of pills. I’m certain I don’t have to explain. She saw my post and for some reason it struck a chord. When he came back in the room she was crying, handed him the bottle, and they talked all night. I have never been so absolutely at a loss in how to respond. I felt very stupid when I replied “I really don’t know what to say. Please give her a hug for me and make certain you get one as well *hugs*” I had a feeling of overwhelming awe and it has taken me the bulk of the day to try to even put it into words. I’m still not able to explain fully the impact this not only had but is still having on me right now.

While I was still reeling I got a phone call. I have recently updated everyone with my new number and a friend had passed it along to another old friend. He and I haven’t spoken in years. We had a disagreement about something that I can no longer even recall (ok well I think I can but if that was the reason it was dumb as hell). He told me that he found me a little while back on Twitter, to which I of course said, I’m sorry? He told me that he follows me on Twitter and that he didn’t know it was me until he clicked on a link to one of my stories. He said he read it, and then proceeded to scroll back to the beginning and start there. He once knew me nearly as well as I did so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised he figured it out. He said my writing has grown up since he read anything last, and that he can see it progressing still. And then he asked me why there’s been nothing much for the last bit. So I explained my issues, that I don’t feel as if I’m any good, that I feel totally outclassed, that I have felt so out of touch with everything for the last little bit. He told me to stop. He said “When we were just little brats, driving our siblings nuts, I knew your imagination was immense.” The gist of the conversation was that I needed to stop trying so hard. I told him what our Keeper said and he told me that I need to use the tension I am feeling, turn it into one of the stories like when we were little. When we were kids his dad was a drunk and was abusive. I would go with him for walks and make up stories to make him laugh, to distract him, to amuse, and entertain him. So all that being said, I am shelving my other stories for the next week. I will go back to them, some need to be told after all. But for the next week I will be doing nothing but random imaginings, they might not make any sense to anyone but me, but I will still share if you wish.

After all of this today though I had some thinking to do. I’ve been giving everyone this advice; we all mess up, we all make mistakes. Everyone one of us has looked at something we’re meant to be doing and said meh, not today. The problem isn’t that you’ve put it off, the problem occurs when you continue to do so. And I realized that I need to take my own advice. I was going to apologize for getting upset with everyone the other night but I’ve realized if I don’t tell you all what I’m thinking, how are you to know? If I walk away, if I run back into my darkest corners, how will anyone know me well enough to know when I want to hide? I’ve been putting off opening myself up to this family. I’ve been outgoing, chatty, open about some things, and been showing my love. But I’ve kept a large part of myself away. There are some things I will admit upfront that I will never, can never share. But from now on I am here, fully, completely, and in for the long haul. I said before that I would not walk away, what I hadn’t said was that I could be pushed away. Now, you can try.

One last thought. Keeper, I need to feel of use to the River. If you or one of the Horsemen could please give me a task it would be greatly appreciated.

You are my family, you are my heart. My love to you all.

Crimson Duchess

An Afternoon Delight

I walk into your office looking sharp in a black dress jacket, matching skirt, hot pink silk shirt, 3 inch heels, and hair in a clip behind my head. As I walk slowly towards you, my left hand reaches out and takes your right hand, I place my right hand on your chest and, pushing firmly, back you up to your desk until you are right up against it. I slip my hand around the back of your neck and pull your mouth down to mine. I feel you shift slightly on your desk, your legs moving further apart, and your hands reaching around to pull me in closer. You can feel my slow smile as I allow you to take control of the kiss. As your tongue slips between my teeth, I get my first taste of you, I moan softly. My hands begin to unbutton your shirt and you take this as permission, undoing the button on my jacket and sliding it off of my shoulders. I permit it, shrugging it off to drop to the floor.

With your shirt unbuttoned, I slide my hands underneath your t-shirt and begin to touch you lightly. I can feel your fingers undoing the buttons on my shirt but only allow you get about half way before taking a step back. Grasping your hands, I look you in the eyes and shake my head very slowly. I place your hands on the desk and press down gently.

Taking my hands off of yours, I slide your shirt slowly off your shoulders, down your arms stopping at your wrists. Then slowly lift your t-shirt up along your chest, over your head, and down your arms to rest with your shirt. I begin to nibble on your neck while running my hands up your back, massaging your shoulders briefly and down your chest stopping just above your belt buckle.

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I undo the belt buckle, then the button on your pants, and I slowly pull down the zipper. My mouth begins to travel down your chest, kissing, licking, nibbling wherever catches my attention. As my mouth reaches your navel I pull you slightly away from the desk and pull your pants ever so slowly down your legs. I am enjoying the anticipation, the game and look up to see if you are too. I start caressing your legs, starting at the bottom and working my way up, kissing and nibbling as I move.

You begin to move your hands so I adjust my position, taking your hands and placing them back on your desk. My mouth is watering, and I lick your cock just once on the outside of your boxers. I then slip my hands under the sides of your boxers, lifting away from your skin and pulls forward and down. Your cock is free for me to play with now and you see my eyes light up in appreciation. I can’t help myself and you hear a low greedy sound escape my lips.

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Placing my hand at the base of your cock and, making sure to look at your face, I slip it into my mouth and take it in as far as I can in one movement. When I’ve gone as far as I can, you see me take a deep breath, give your cock a lick, and take it in further. I’m watching your face, watching your eyes the entire time. I want to know what you like, what feels good, what really turns you on. When I have it fully into my mouth, you feel me place my tongue on the underside and slowly move my mouth all the way back to the top, licking him like a lollipop all the way up.

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My left hand is against the desk offering support but my right hand is free to assist me. I reach for your balls as my mouth goes back down on your cock and begins to caress them, squeeze them, play with them. My god but you taste so good. I notice that I’m making little sounds but I don’t care. My mouth is moving back up your shaft, a little more quickly. I shift my hand to follow my mouth, grasping firmly.

I feel your hands on my shoulders but I don’t care, that means you can support me now and I bring my left hand off the desk. I slide it around behind you, grab your ass and, as my mouth begins another downward journey, press in you even closer to me, trying to take you in without hesitation. I gag just a little towards the bottom but push through it and get you all the way in. You grin at my sound of satisfaction. I start back up, licking you, allowing a little more suction this time, my hand following along. As I reach the top, I lick around the head, gentle flicks of my tongue, tasting you, wanting even more of you.

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Someone knocks on your door, you call out that you’re busy at the moment. I try and nearly succeed in stifling a giggle. They ask if everything is ok and I take that moment to give your balls a light squeeze causing you just a slight problem in answering. You manage to tell them that everything is fine while I play with your balls. I remove my mouth, slip in a mint, suck on it for a moment and then lightly touch it to the edges of your head. It feels cool and causes a slight numbing sensation. I begin to stroke your cock with my hand, taking just the tip back into my mouth. While my hand glides up and down your shaft, my tongue is tracing your head, flicking across the top. Slowly I begin to move down your shaft with my tongue, keeping my tongue soft to begin with, flicking here and there gently. When I reach your balls I take them into my mouth one at a time, tasting them, sucking softly.

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I feel your hand fist in my hair, my hair clip seems to be long gone, you pull softly at first, harder when I resist. I begin to rise as you pull, you offer me a hand up and I take it. I’m pouting at you for taking me away from my fun. Suddenly your mouth is on mine, you lift me to sit on the edge of your desk, my skirt around my waist now. You’re pleased to find nothing underneath. Within moments your cock is inside of me, filling me, I moan louder than I mean to but it simply makes you smile. Your hands reach between us, pulling my shirt open, the remaining buttons scatter.

You pull me tight against you, control is no longer mine but I don’t care. Your hips begin to move, you lift me off the desk with each thrust. Your mouth covers mine, muffling our moans, our passion. My fingers are leaving imprints in your shoulders as I hold on tightly, yours leave your marks on my hips. My head falls back as your mouth leaves mine and you begin to devour my neck. We’ve forgotten where we are and are not nearly quiet enough now. You thrust into me one more time, hard and we explode, falling over the edge together.

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We hear a throat clearing and you look back over your shoulder. Our boss is standing just inside the open door. We can see our co-workers trying to look past him. “Five minutes, my office” he walks out closing the door behind him, we can hear him yelling at everyone to get back to work.

We look at each other, my cheeks are red, I can’t help but blush. You smile slowly, help me off the desk, kiss me softly, and say the first words either of us has spoken since I entered your office. “Totally worth it.”


Crimson Duchess


He doesn’t see it. He doesn’t know that I do. He believes that everything he can see is all that is there. I can see it following him, every morning, every afternoon, I see it curling up in the chair beside our bed at night. It goes everywhere he goes. It crossed over me tonight, it was cold, freezing, evil. I don’t know what to do.

He’s losing weight, grumpy all the time now, doesn’t want to even share the same bed anymore. It knows I can see it and it’s trying to take him from me. I kissed his cheek when I was going out earlier and he flinched. This has to stop. I need to stop it.

I came home from work and found him with another woman. Thing is I can see the blackness over taking him. I told her to get dressed and get out of my house. I watched as the darkness backed off, the look in his eyes changed. He cried, he said there’s something wrong. He said he’d never cheat on me, he doesn’t know why he did.

We went to the doctor last week, got the test results back today. It turns out he has a brain tumour. They’re operating next month. But I don’t think the darkness is the tumour, I think it’s the cause of it. This thing following him around is evil, it scares me. I think when they do the surgery my love is going to die and this thing will take his place.

Well that was entertaining….not. I tried to talk to a priest about what I see. He told me the stress of my husband’s condition is causing hallucinations. I showed him my diary, proof that I’ve been seeing this for a while. He told me that some people are empathic enough to sense things like this and that I have a very rare gift…. stupid man. Will try someone else tomorrow.

Came home from work, he was already home. The house was clean, the table was set, dinner was nearly ready. He told me to go up and change into something nice, tonight was date night. He told me he took the next couple of weeks off of work. He wants to spend time with me before his surgery. I don’t see the darkness tonight. This almost scares me more.


I went into work today and asked for the next two weeks off. He asked me if I’d like to go on a second honeymoon. I think he is afraid this surgery is going to kill him. I’m hoping the dark beast will stay away. Maybe if we leave before it returns it won’t be able to find him. It seems odd that it should disappear so close to surgery but I will count my blessings where I can find them.

Two days in the sun, two nights full of fun. Dear god I’ve missed this. He booked me for a massage this morning while he sleeps a little. When I woke earlier than normal he was watching me sleep. He said he didn’t want to miss a moment with me. I’m a little worried, maybe he really doesn’t think he’ll make it through. The doctor said that there is an 85% chance that he’ll come out of this and be fine. I need to help him believe he’ll survive, positive thinking is important.

He wanted to go to church this morning, we haven’t gone in years. Now I know he must be scared. He wanted to speak with the priest after the sermon. The way the priest was looking at him has me concerned. I was glad to leave, I could see the strain on his face, and the incense was giving me a headache. On the way to get lunch afterwards he told me that he wants to go back at least once more before we leave. As odd as it is, I can’t say no.

Four days now, every morning when I wake he’s watching me. I know I thought it was sweet, but now it’s getting creepy. I have a scratch down my arm this morning and I have no idea where it came from. I don’t think I got it during sex but I suppose I must have. I also can feel a bruise on my lower back. Were we really that energetic last night? I should hurry up, he’s waiting for me. We’re off on a day tour today. I always wanted to see the ruins here. I don’t think I’ve felt this loved in months.

Well that was just weird as hell. We were walking through one of the old temples and the tour guide kept watching us. The entire time the security guard stood well back from our group but he stayed with us. There were other groups there, why was he following ours?  When we got to the shop the clerk and security there took over watching us, as if we looked like hardened criminals or something. I’ve never been so happy to get back to a hotel.

Ok that was just odd, this entire week is getting stranger and stranger. I went in to have a shower, forgot my shampoo and went back out to get it. He was digging through my suitcase. He said he heard me swear and went to see what I might have forgotten, except my shampoo was on the bed, and I didn’t swear.

He went through my suitcase again. I have no idea what he’s looking for. Whatever it is he didn’t find it. He seems to be calmer now though, as if a weight has left him. Well whatever it was, when we were heading back from dinner we stopped at a lovely little shop and he bought me a new dress, shoes, even jewelry. We’re going to go through all of our savings before we head home at this rate. But I can’t deny him right now.

Another day of playing tourist, so much fun! Today was a cruise. From the water it’s obvious that the cliffs are massive. The tour guide pointed out the church we went to the other day. It’s the oldest on the island and on the highest point. We could barely see the top of the steeple. According to the tour the only way onto the island other than plane is the one harbour that we left from. It was absolutely beautiful.

More bruises, more scratches, pain. I know I couldn’t have gotten them last night. He’s never been more gentle than he was last night. I’m getting scared. I had a long soak in the tub this morning. Then we went for breakfast and spent the day in the pool. Ok well he spent the day in the pool. I stayed resting on a lounge chair, I didn’t want anyone to see the bruises on my back.

We leave in three days and, as much as there’s been some weird shit happening, I don’t want to go home. We haven’t been this happy in so long. He wants to go to the church today. I’m not really feeling like I want to go though. Maybe I can talk him into going tomorrow instead. I’m just not feeling great.

Oh my god what an amazing day. I told him I wasn’t feeling well so we spent the day curled up together in our room, and we had dinner at a very high class place. I told him I didn’t bring anything to wear to a place like that and he bought me another dress, heels, jewelry… I have never felt so spoiled.

He says he has a surprise for me today. He said we’ll be doing some walking so to dress comfortably. I tried and tried to get a hint or two but he just says I’ll find out, and smiles at me with such love. I can’t wait to see what he has in store for us.

“According to a local priest the man involved was dying from a brain tumour. He had spoken to the priest previously and requested assistance. He believed his wife had a demon attached to her and after a couple of days of careful observation the priest concurred. They came in earlier in the day and when they began the ritual to free her she broke free and went tearing out the back of the church. The husband went after her and in the struggle that occurred they fell over the cliff.”


Crimson Duchess

4 Years

I wake with a start, feeling as if I am drowning. This is the third night this week I’ve had this dream. Last week it was only twice, but I think it’s going to get much worse before it gets better. After all it’s only Tuesday.

Dear god just let me have one night without this fucking dream. It’s been 14 nights straight now. I need some sleep. I can’t even nap without dreaming it. Please someone tell me it’s a just a dream.

I lost my job today. Not that I blame them. After all I haven’t slept more than an hour or two a night in nearly 2 months and it’s hard to work, without a million errors, when you can’t see straight. Heading to the doctor’s office now, I have to do something about this.

Ok so the doctor is sending me to a shrink. A month on antidepressants and sleeping pills and I’m still having the same dream every night. This makes over 90 days now. The doc thinks I’m suicidal, or crazy. I think it’s a premonition, or I’m crazy, either works at this point.

My head sinks below the waves, my arm waving frantically as it too disappears under the water. An entire beach of people and not one noticed my screams, my cries for help. There’s something coming towards me in the dark, I try to scream and lose the air in my lungs. I’m drowning…. I wake. *sigh* I guess I call the shrink in the morning and tell him his “last ditch effort” didn’t work either.


One year, it’s been one full year, 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days or should I say nights. I rarely talk to anyone anymore, not even the shrink. He didn’t know what else to try short of my signing myself into a mental institution, as if that would help any. I’ve taken vacations to see if a change of scenery would help. Nada. The tenants downstairs never see me. They deposit their rent on the first of each month, at least they’re reliable. Without that I’d have lost my house by now. Can’t work when you can’t sleep.

I heard from my ex-boyfriend today, he’s getting married and wanted me to hear it from him instead of through the grapevine. I offered him congratulations and hung up. He might think that means I’m upset, or jealous. But honestly I just don’t have the energy to care, or to hold the phone that long. Wait, how long ago did he leave? I’d been having the dream about 4 months when we split…. Hmmm… so I guess it’s been nearly 2 years since he left.

The folks downstairs brought home a baby 3 weeks ago. Karen came up and apologised this morning. She said she felt bad that her little Lisa must be waking me at night. I told her not to worry, that I barely notice it. She said thank you, told me that I’m just “too kind”. Pffft. Nope, just don’t care, I’m already awake when little Lisa starts bawling. I’ve been having the dream for 3 years now, I have an appointment with my lawyer in an hour, I’d better get going.

My family is pissed with me. My brother showed up and suggested that he should move in with me, take care of things for me. I told him no. All it means is that his latest toy has kicked him out and he has nowhere to live again. Someone else can deal with him this time. I’m far too tired. Of course this means that my entire family is angry because one of them will have to put up with him. Oh well. I saw the way he was looking around. He figures that when this finally kills me that he’ll get my house. Little does he know.

I wave my arms, yelling, screaming, begging for help. No one even looks this way. I know they can hear me, I can hear them laughing and talking on the beach. They just don’t care, even the lifeguard is too busy flirting to save me. I sink beneath the water, drift down slowly, I can’t seem to move my legs, I can’t seem to fight. I see something coming towards me through the murky water, moving with purpose, it’s nearly close enough to see. And I wake, it got closer than it ever has before. Sometimes I think if I can just stay asleep long enough, see it for what it is, that the dreams will stop. I wonder if that means I will too, just stop.

Last night was the 4th anniversary of the night this dream began. It’s been a year since I wrote my will, 6 months since I heard from any member of my family, and 3 months since I last stepped outside of this house. I need to do something, go for a drive maybe? Except I think I gave my car to Karen and Brett. That’s right, they needed something bigger, safer for little Lisa. She’s started walking, I found her outside of my door this morning. They’re out getting a baby gate now. Maybe a walk.

I put my shoes on and start walking down the hill. It’s been a long time since I went this way. Oh, now I remember why. The beach is down this way. I want to turn and go home but my feet don’t seem to be listening to me anymore. I’m a little scared now. I walk straight to the water’s edge, and sit down. Ok this isn’t so bad, I’m sure as hell not going for a swim. Even if I wanted to I’m not dressed for it. I look around, so many faces seem familiar. Oh… this is it…this is the day I’ve dreamt about. There’s the lifeguard, flirting instead of watching the waves. In fact no one but me is even looking in that direction. I turn to look back out to the waves and I see it. An arm, I hear a voice calling for help. It’s not me, but she will be if someone doesn’t save her. I yell at the lifeguard, point to her, and I dive into the water. If he won’t save her I will. I reach her as she starts to sink, I dive down, pull her up to the surface just as the lifeguard gets there. He takes her, hands me his pontoon and tells me to wait, there’s another lifeguard on the way. I can see him coming but holding on to this thing is taking too much effort.

I sink beneath the waves, I don’t cry out, I don’t panic, I just let it happen. I see the shape moving towards me in the murky water, it’s getting closer now. I should be scared but I’m not. I’m too tired to be afraid, the last 4 years have been readying me for this very moment. At least I’ll get to see it before I die. A man? All this time it’s been a man swimming towards me? Who knew?

underwater_001_small_TDKKZLHU0 “She passed out just as I got there, another minute and she would have died. She’s a hero you know. There’s a few folks that want to thank her for saving that lady. The doctor said she’s in a coma but can’t figure out why. All I know is that when I went in to see her, she had a small smile on her face.”