JB

You saw me running along the road, you watched as friends, strangers, everyone passed me by. You stopped. You started walking, told me to slow down, said there was no rush. You began telling me about this world I’d fallen into, you taught me how to survive it. When I was strong enough, big enough, you helped me get a faster mode of getting around. Then you rode with me.
When you couldn’t hang out, you still talked. All the time you would send me messages. Asking about my day, asking if I was ok. And when I asked the same you would always tell me, I’m good, nothing gets me down. You took me to new places in the world, taught me how to make it through, it never occurred to me that you were teaching me more than just our little world.
I heard you and your wife split up. She thought you were spending too much time in the world we shared. The others that wandered there with us tried to make light of it, as did you. I found you by our tree and we talked for hours. You told me some of the other reasons she left, that this world was not the only one you would get distracted by. Your wife understood your desire to be in this world, to help me. She understood that without your help I would have long left not only this world but the one they call “real life”. She and I had spoken about the darkness that had fallen upon me, about the end of my heart. She believed me when I said you had saved me. She did not begrudge me your time, but there were so many others demanding it that she felt she was lost in the crowd. She may have been right, she may not have been, but you never spoke badly of her after she left, and would allow no one else to do so. We spoke about it once only, after that you declared yourself “fine” and moved on.
We spoke less as time went by. Your job took you away from our world more and more. But you would show up once in a while and my message would read “Hey girl” and my evening would lighten, my thoughts improve, the weight of my world would lift from my shoulders, and I would smile. Always. We would talk, a lot, or barely at all, but knowing you were near made everything better. You would catch up to me in the darkest, furthest reaches of our world, and cause them to be filled with light as we hunted our prey. Nothing, no one stood a chance when you were with me.
You became silent. No entries into our world, so I messaged you in the daily world. “Are you ok? I miss you.” You told me you were a little sick, that other worlds were too draining right now but that you’d be back to run with me soon. You promised. I went to your funeral today. You didn’t come back. You left us all.
My heart aches, I can still hear you giving me shit as you laugh when you realized that I had wanted a pet like yours and so did not have one yet. I was too little to have your pet and would have no other until I was big enough. You gave me such a bad time; you showed me where to find one similar to yours but that I could get being so little. I still have him, you helped me get him and so I will always have him. I’ve run the old paths, fought the old fights, returned to the beginning and found a pet like yours. I’ve named him after you so that you will remain, at least in some form, in our world.
You’ll never see this, most that know you will never see this. But I needed to say the words. I miss you, I love you, I will remember you, for always, forever, my JB. ❤

broken-heart-40

 

Paul Sampson

When I offered to do this, I had no idea what it was I was offering to do. I know big surprise. Someone says “Hey do this to help Paul” and I sign up before I even know what I’m doing. That being said, I then requested some guidance. I was told that I could write about Night of the Templar (NOTT), I could write purely about Paul, I could write whatever I wished so long as there was a way to tie it to NOTT.  Well now…that gave me more leeway that I knew what to do with. After some serious thought I came up with an idea. I decided that I would simply write what I thought about Paul (that I am willing to say out loud that is). After all, anything to do with him was bound to tie in to NOTT as well. Or not…but I thought it was worth a shot 😉

So let’s begin with Paul. The first time I met him on Twitter, I had no idea who he was. I was told this guy throws great Twitter parties. I had no idea what a Twitter party was. I’d been online only a week or so at that point so as all good little girls do, I did what I was told. They were right, the man was fun to talk to, had a great sense of humour, and an imagination that totally blew me away. Of course they were also telling me how hot he was but I only had Twitter on my phone and it wasn’t showing me any pictures at that point. I promised myself I would look him up when I got home and then promptly forgot. Now don’t misunderstand, he made a strong impression. But at times I have a memory like a sieve and well that seems to have been one of those times. I of course remembered the next time he came online the following week and I went to look him up after he logged off.

The first picture I saw of Paul was the same one he uses on Twitter, primarily because, as I was heading home to look him up, my phone updated and all of a sudden, there he was. What I noticed immediately were his eyes. And to be honest it was all I was going to notice for a while. Look at this picture and tell me that his eyes don’t hold yours.

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Later I found other pictures, in particular some rather sexy ones. But if you ask Paul about them he will tell you it’s all Photoshop, or in the case of his eyes, contacts. I don’t really believe him but I’ll admit it makes me laugh when he says it. One must remember though, as good looking as the man is, it’s not what he’s about. He’s a chameleon. He is so striking and yet when you see him in a variety of roles you will find yourself doing a double take simply because you can’t believe it’s him. A friend introduced me to his character Shamus, from the short “Clown” directed by Tate Steinsiek, and I was amazed that the scary ass clown on the screen was Paul. If you compare the picture above with the picture of Shamus, you’ll understand my confusion.

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The next item on my agenda was to actually watch NOTT. Being in Canada I was unable to find it at Wal-Mart or some of the other places I normally buy my movies. I was able to buy it off of Amazon however and was rather impatiently waiting for it’s arrival. As soon as it arrived it was in the player and on my screen. In the movie Paul plays not simply one character but two, very different men. As Jake McCalister, he is a peaceful, laid back, easy going kind of guy. You get the impression that, although people can disappoint him, he barely has even a cross word for anyone. Then there is Lord Gregoire. He is full of fire, passion, and completely dedicated to his cause. He fights, he kills, but he mourns the loss of each soul. Although the two men look similar, there are obvious differences which become less pronounced as the movie progresses. (If you’ve seen it you know what I am referring to. If you haven’t, why not?)

As for the movie itself I must be honest. It was the first indie film I had ever knowingly watched. I had no idea what I was in for. I was expecting a Hollywood style film and so was confused to begin with. Indie films are so much different, so much more in some ways. Because it is an Indie Paul had more control as to how things looked, what direction they went it, and what we would eventually see on our screens. As I stated earlier the man has a very vivid imagination and it drew me in. The first time I watched it was almost like skimming a book. I caught all the big things but the more subtle scenes, characters, and dialog sort of drifted softly against my mind. They left an impression but it was almost invisible. As I’ve watched it again (several times, and no I won’t say how many times so stop asking me) these softer, less pronounced moments have left their mark. Each time I’ve watched, some things have become more…there, less hidden. It’s not that they’ve suddenly had a spotlight shone upon them, it’s as if I am made aware of their impact on the movie as a whole. Should you ask some of my friends they might tell you that I watch it purely for one scene in particular but, as much as I love it, I do eventually un-pause the movie and continue on.  😉

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Oh! Are you still here? Sorry I may have gotten a little distracted…my apologies.

Overall, so far as NOTT is concerned, I find that as my first Indie film it was a great choice. It drew me in, it introduced me to some folks that I am happier for having met, and it showed me what a real imagination is capable of.

In regards to Paul Sampson? The man amazes me. He is imaginative, brilliant, funny, and talented. His look, his voice, his bearing, all change with the role he plays, although I must say that I even find that scary ass clown to be rather sexy. I am looking forward to seeing and experiencing what he comes out with next. I may not know what form it will take but it will be an adventure, and in the end that’s why I watch movies in the first place. Thank you Paul.

Crimson Duchess

Personal Awakening

Ok let’s get this out there. I have been a bad Duchess. For the last couple of weeks, ok more like the last month, I have found myself stumped. Unable to focus on one thing alone I have been jumping between several different projects or simply allowing myself to get totally overwhelmed and so writing not one word. There are those of you that write every day, and always I feel honoured to be given the opportunity to read what you put out there. I will admit though, that there are times I feel totally out classed (give me a sec Keeper please before you get upset with me). Now I have mentioned this before, hence the aside to our Keeper there. But I think you all understand what I am saying, and I am fairly certain we have all felt this way. I do have a point I promise.

Because I’ve been feeling this way, even though Keeper told me not to be an idiot (paraphrasing!), I began pulling back, slipping back into my cubby. I’m been talking to everyone but only when spoken to, or at least mainly. And when I’ve made an attempt and gotten no reply, I decided that it just proved my point. (No Keeper I am not referring purely to you I promise.) Then the other night I felt as if everyone that I love had let me down. Now before anyone gets defensive or upset, finish reading please. Normally when someone lets me down, in any manner, I simply step back, sigh quietly to myself, and move on. It hurts but I tuck it away inside. I pull back from the one(s) that hurt me, sometimes I will eventually walk away completely. But please keep in mind, I do not permit myself to blow up, rage, freak out, whatever you wish to call it. When it comes to someone I care about, I might say something but still not in the style in which I reacted the other night.

Now originally this was going to be an apology, I was going to explain where my head has been the last month, apologize for flipping out, and fade quietly away when no one was looking. I felt that I would be able to quietly close out Twitter, FB, anything under the Siara name and that not one person would even notice. I had plans to do so over the course of the next couple of weeks and by the end of February Siara would be no more. I will say I did make an attempt to talk to someone about it but *shrug* life interfered and I could not reach the person I was trying to call.

And then a couple of odd things happened within an hour of each other. The first was a private message I received on Twitter. It was from someone I believe I’ve spoken to maybe a half a dozen times. We follow each other but we don’t know each other, if that makes sense. I used to say goodnight every night before I would log. I stopped when it seemed to me that no one was reading it anyway so what was the point. A couple of times in the last week I have felt compelled to do so. Last night, I said “Goodnight my loves, dream well, dream strong, & no matter what remember there is always somewhere you belong, someone that loves you *hugs*” Now it’s nothing unusual. I’ve said similar things in the past. However I received a message from this man this morning telling me something that amazed me. He told me that he had left his Twitter up last night and his daughter saw my goodnight. I guess they’ve had a rough couple of months and she was feeling worse than even he knew. She was heading back to her room with a bottle of pills. I’m certain I don’t have to explain. She saw my post and for some reason it struck a chord. When he came back in the room she was crying, handed him the bottle, and they talked all night. I have never been so absolutely at a loss in how to respond. I felt very stupid when I replied “I really don’t know what to say. Please give her a hug for me and make certain you get one as well *hugs*” I had a feeling of overwhelming awe and it has taken me the bulk of the day to try to even put it into words. I’m still not able to explain fully the impact this not only had but is still having on me right now.

While I was still reeling I got a phone call. I have recently updated everyone with my new number and a friend had passed it along to another old friend. He and I haven’t spoken in years. We had a disagreement about something that I can no longer even recall (ok well I think I can but if that was the reason it was dumb as hell). He told me that he found me a little while back on Twitter, to which I of course said, I’m sorry? He told me that he follows me on Twitter and that he didn’t know it was me until he clicked on a link to one of my stories. He said he read it, and then proceeded to scroll back to the beginning and start there. He once knew me nearly as well as I did so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised he figured it out. He said my writing has grown up since he read anything last, and that he can see it progressing still. And then he asked me why there’s been nothing much for the last bit. So I explained my issues, that I don’t feel as if I’m any good, that I feel totally outclassed, that I have felt so out of touch with everything for the last little bit. He told me to stop. He said “When we were just little brats, driving our siblings nuts, I knew your imagination was immense.” The gist of the conversation was that I needed to stop trying so hard. I told him what our Keeper said and he told me that I need to use the tension I am feeling, turn it into one of the stories like when we were little. When we were kids his dad was a drunk and was abusive. I would go with him for walks and make up stories to make him laugh, to distract him, to amuse, and entertain him. So all that being said, I am shelving my other stories for the next week. I will go back to them, some need to be told after all. But for the next week I will be doing nothing but random imaginings, they might not make any sense to anyone but me, but I will still share if you wish.

After all of this today though I had some thinking to do. I’ve been giving everyone this advice; we all mess up, we all make mistakes. Everyone one of us has looked at something we’re meant to be doing and said meh, not today. The problem isn’t that you’ve put it off, the problem occurs when you continue to do so. And I realized that I need to take my own advice. I was going to apologize for getting upset with everyone the other night but I’ve realized if I don’t tell you all what I’m thinking, how are you to know? If I walk away, if I run back into my darkest corners, how will anyone know me well enough to know when I want to hide? I’ve been putting off opening myself up to this family. I’ve been outgoing, chatty, open about some things, and been showing my love. But I’ve kept a large part of myself away. There are some things I will admit upfront that I will never, can never share. But from now on I am here, fully, completely, and in for the long haul. I said before that I would not walk away, what I hadn’t said was that I could be pushed away. Now, you can try.

One last thought. Keeper, I need to feel of use to the River. If you or one of the Horsemen could please give me a task it would be greatly appreciated.

You are my family, you are my heart. My love to you all.

Crimson Duchess

The 26th of Decemeber

So, it’s the evening of the 26th, Christmas is over. I realized yesterday when talking to my family, my parents, my sister & her husband (my brother, not in-law, just brother), my nieces, & nephew that I don’t have all the answers. I can’t have all the answers. I have not seen, or done, everything. So how can I possibly have all of the answers, be able to solve all of the problems? How am I meant to be here for everyone, all of the time? I have had it brought to my attention that sometimes, just sometimes, it’s ok for me to say, I don’t know. I. Don’t. Know. Or even, I don’t understand. Sometimes it’s ok to not be able to fix it. So long as I don’t just offer my hugs and expect it to be better. When someone is hurting and I can’t wrap my head around it, it’s better to say, I’m sorry, I wish I could help, or just about anything so long as the person in question knows that I am there for them. A shoulder, an ear, anything, even a hug so long as there are words included letting them know that I care, that I’m there, that I hear them. I don’t usually do that you see. I try to fix it. I offer my hugs when I don’t have words but sometimes words are needed anyway. Even if they are simply I don’t know how to help but I’m here.

Now you may wonder what prompted all of this, but to be honest it’s no one else’s business but mine and someone I let down. Someone I love heaps and because I didn’t know what to say, I caused pain. I’m going to be upfront with all of you about one thing though. It’s not going to ever happen again. Oh I don’t mean I won’t screw up, I’m sure I will. But it won’t be the same screw up. I may not be vocal about it but I learn my lessons well.

What brought on this piece tonight however is this one question burning in my head. Have any others learned anything this holiday season? With all the drama these last couple of weeks, has anyone learned anything? Now, please don’t answer me. I don’t want answers here, I don’t want them on Twitter, Facebook, private messages, whatever. I just want everything to think to themselves, quietly, peacefully, without this being a jump off point for more drama. If there was nothing for you to learn then great. If there was and you took it to heart, then I’m proud of you.

If however, there was and yet you choose to learn nothing, blame it on others, what have you, then you need to know one more thing. Once more, once more only, and I will unfollow, block, whoever causes the drama. There will be no changing my mind, I will give one warning and one only. I very nearly had my holiday season ruined because of all the drama and I ended up so wrapped up in it that I was missing important things.  I will not permit it again. I told everyone once, drama is a deal breaker for me. So, this is my last word on the subject. Do not make me have to discuss it again, please.

If any of you feel that I am being cruel, persecuting you, whatever, then I am afraid I have to say, tough. Unfollow me if you wish, just don’t whine to me about it.

Done,

Crimson Duchess

Still Broken

So, I have something else I was working on, much sexier than this. But I came across a picture that got me thinking.

Healing

And I realized a couple of things that seem rather important to me now. After my marriage dissolved I did not really give myself time to heal. I was into another relationship in such a short period of time that I didn’t realize I even needed to heal. I thought, that because I already had someone new in my life, that I must have already been healing before the break had even truly happened. That I had begun to heal before the full hurt had occurred. I know, dumb of me. The second thing I realized was that when you are broken, and you are with someone else that is also broken, that you cannot heal what is missing in them anymore than they can heal what is missing in you.

When my relationship ended, I thought that I would never heal. And, had a few things not happened, I would be shattered still. First, after permitting him to keep a presence in my life I finally said no more. We would not speak again for nearly six months, and then not by my choice. Next I began to spend time away from the things we did together. I am a gamer (of sorts) and we had always done so together. I stepped back from the games and began to focus on other things.

Then my new obsession began, I was introduced to Twitter (yes Mel I know, kicking, screaming, and pouting the whole way). I’ve touched on Twitter before, told you all how that happened, I’ll not do so again. But you need to understand that the last puzzle pieces were put into place for me after I joined. I’ve spoken about becoming a part of the Crimson River but you need to know it began before that. I met Becca, Caro, May, Cindy, Nikki, Leslie…. There were others of course but these are the one I spoke to the most, the ones I speak with regularly still. Of course there were a few men as well, but the only one that I spoke with quite a bit that I still speak with quite a bit is Sir… Even typing here I cannot make myself call him by name instead, but as he seems to like it I’ll keep using it for now. Please keep in mind I am not discounting any of you but these are the people that were here from the start, that haven’t disappeared on me. The ones I still talk to, if not every day then most days. Well ok, we all know Sir is only around about once a week but he is an important part of this too.

You see, talking with them I began to realize that I could be me. It took me a little bit before I was willing to admit that I am a sub, but when I did not one of them turned away from me. When I told Sir about a friend that freaked out on me upon finding out, he told me that (that) guy wasn’t worth my time. That a real friend would accept me as I am not how they thought I should be. Because of these people, my heart began to heal. Slowly at first, but a little more each day.

By the time I’d met more of you, I was standing a little taller (Shut it with the short jokes Mel). I was brought into the TOK Family and in nothing flat I found out that my heart had healed enough to accept that I would never walk away from my newest family. Even the scary ass brother. When I look back from that point I realize that I had already collected pieces of my heart from other people.  My girls, my Sir, my pain in the butt boys, they had helped me so much. When we became part of TOK we solidified more, became a stronger family.

And then came the Crimson River, and our Keeper of the Crimson Quill. He guided the River around us, brought us in, he told us to enjoy the waters whether we added to them or not. And then he gently taught us how to bleed. We became stronger as a family, our lifeblood pouring into the River, the River flowing into us. And again I felt I had healed more.

When I saw that picture tonight though I realized something important. I’ve been trying to move on as if I’ve never been broken. I’ve been trying to heal so the scars no longer show. I know now that it won’t happen. The scars remain, even if somewhat faded. There are still pieces of my heart I can’t seem to replace. I am still broken. But you know what? It’s alright. Because I found another picture too, one that says it all…

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Crimson Duchess

i wish

i wish i could take away all Your pain, all the hurt, all the sorrow. i wish that i could make You feel wanted, needed, and loved like You’ve never felt before. i wish that i could make everything right for You. But all i can do is be here, hope You know how i feel about You and hope that someday Your hurts will be a distant memory and, even if You no longer need me, that You will remember what it was to be loved without reservation, unconditionally, and without end.

i wish i could wipe the worry from Your brow, take the strain from Your shoulders, calm the beat of Your heart. i wish i could help You, share Your load, and remind You that You are never alone, even when it feels otherwise. But all i can do is listen when You talk, hold You when You feel weary and hope that You will always know, even when there is distance between us it is never too far for love.

i know i am not who You want, that i will probably be forgotten in time, but for as long as You need me, i will be here, to listen to You, to hold You, to love You. So long as i live You will never truly be alone, my love will always remain, my heart and soul are Yours.

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Crimson Duchess

My Rant

Ok, so it’s time for your Crimson Duchess to tell a couple of truths. To point out some things that I have kept inside of my noggin thus far. Some of you may decide that, once I’ve said my piece, you want nothing more to do with me. Hell, you may all decide this. And that’s fine. I am fairly certain that some of you will decide that I am referring to you in particular and be offended. If you think that this is about you specifically, if you see yourself in this, then most likely even if it’s not aimed at you now it will be relevant to you in the future. Normally I would apologize for any offense but I am tired and incapable of caring right at this moment.

You see, your Duchess hates drama. In nearly every case, in almost every instance of protracted drama I have walked away. If there is trouble in your life I am, of course, a willing shoulder, an open ear, a sounding board, and always open arms. When you have issues, I will listen so that you can get it off your chest, which I see as a necessity. But there is a difference between trouble, issues, and drama.

Trouble is something that, whether it is your doing or not, you want to solve. Something that you will discuss once or twice for advice, you will listen to said advice, and you will implement whatever portions seem the most relevant.

Issues, in my definition, are not something you yourself can necessary solve. Issues crop up daily but they are not big, they are little things. Annoying but usually solvable in their own good time. Although I have been known to mention to one friend that he did not have issues, he had subscriptions. But that was because to him everything was an issue. I cancelled my subscriptions from him, mainly as I saw that his issues we becoming nothing more than drama.

Drama. You know I loved drama class in school. I couldn’t stand up in front of the school to save my life but I was awesome as support staff. Then I came out into the real world. And I find that it is full of drama! Drama being, fiction (although it can be reality based), pretend, making more of something than it truly needs to be.

Ok, does everyone understand the differences? No? Alright, let’s put it another way.

In my life I have had plenty of trouble. Not getting into trouble, but trouble. For example, and this will be minor, when I was younger I nearly ended up in jail because I wished to keep someone I loved out. My trouble was that I could not see that he would have allowed me to end up behind bars to keep himself free. When an officer that I had never met before came and told me this guy’s full legal history I was stunned. The cop watched me for a few minutes as I came to grips with what I’d been told. Then he did something that would get him fired these days, he came around to my side of the table, opened his arms, and held me as I cried. Without his help, without his arms, I would have ended up in jail. He helped me in my time of trouble as I am more than willing to help all of you. (But please stay out of that kind of trouble.)

We all have issues, a recent issue for me was that damn cast. The issue of course being, that once the novelty wore off, it was still here. Walking was difficult, driving uncomfortable, and I think I kicked more things while wearing it than I ever do without it. It wasn’t something I could solve, I simply had to bide my time until I could take it off and be free! Until they told me to wear my fracking runners until more healing is done…

Drama, on the other hand is something I chose not to indulge in. Although it appears to hunt me down with a rather voracious appetite. This, for me, is when someone constantly feels the need to one up someone else simply to get attention. Another would be when I am put in the middle of a conversation that I have no need to be involved in. Drama is when I find myself wondering why I sign on to Twitter every day. If I wish to feel my energy being drained I have several ex-friends I could contact. When I begin the day bright and full of energy (ok once I actually fully wake up), and by dinner time I have a headache and a strong desire to never log into my Twitter account again, I know there has been too much drama.

Now, before you all get up in arms with me, or feel hurt because you are ever so certain I am referring to you. Consider this, I have ceased following a few people lately because I was exhausted by their drama. If I am still following you I have not as of yet reached that point. If, however, you see yourself in my rant, then perhaps you need to rethink the way you interact with the world. I have learned three things about this world that I find relevant to Twitter.

  1. Just because you can say anything you wish, does not mean you should. The truth is always preferable, exaggeration is unnecessary. I am not referring to goofing off, joking around, what have you…
  2. There is always someone in a worse position. Have you read the news lately? This does not mean that, when someone shares with you, you have a need to tell them how much worse things are, or have been, for you. Offer a shoulder, a hug, and save your story for another day. Empathy is appreciated, one up man ship, not so much.
  3. If you put love and positive emotions out there, you will get a lot of love and positive emotions back. If you put negative thoughts and feelings into the ether, the ether sends it all right back with a side order of holy fuck. I’m not saying you always get back only what you send out, god knows that’s not true. What I’m saying is that you get more of what you give. I find that when I send out love and hugs, it not only makes the ones receiving it feel better, but it makes me happy too. I can’t always solve the problem but I can always be there when I’m needed.

Alright, I am worn out. I always try to find the silver lining, the brightness in the cloudiest of days. But there are days when it’s been too much for this girl and all she wants to do is crawl back into her corner. The darkness is comforting, and no one can see your tears without light. And that, that is the worst part when it comes to drama. I rarely know it’s drama to begin with and so I try to help. I get caught up in the other person’s perceived hurts and my heart aches immensely when I cannot solve it, or even help. Then the truth comes out, the lie revealed, and my heart breaks.

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Crimson Duchess