A Dream

Through the silence of the night, she felt his presence. She knew that if she allowed it by the morning light she would be his. One touch, one caress, one kiss, is all it would take. Still, with all her fears, she could not find it within herself to deny him.

He slide into the bed beside her, he thought she was asleep. His arm slipped around her, his hand just beneath her breast. Although she had invited him to share her bed with him, he would not push her for what he wanted. It would have to be her idea. She would have to show him that she desired him as well.

She waited, patiently, barely breathing as he slid in next to her. When he wrapped his arm around her she was surprised to feel his hand stop just shy of touching and on top of her clothes. She had thought he would at the least touch her skin. Then she remembered, she had offered him a place to sleep, nothing more. She had not realized it would be up to her to initiate things. She had misread him, he would not take what he wanted after all, she was going to have to give herself to him. No submission, she would have to offer. She reached for his hand, placed it on her breast, and pressed her body back softly into his.

He moaned softly, and began to massage her breast, her ass pressing against him had him instantly hard. Her neck was so close, his lips were on it kissing her, licking, nibbling softly. She moaned under her breath and his control shattered.

He was being so gentle that she was surprised to suddenly find herself on her back. His mouth on hers, his hand kneading her breast hard, as his leg slid between hers, pressing tightly against her. This, this was what she was waiting for. This was what she needed most of all. She needed to feel out of control, as if this decision was not hers to make. She began to touch him, everywhere, until he pulled back.

He smiled at her, reached for her hands, and raised them over her head. He pressed her hands gently to the rails of the headboard, squeezed gently to make her hold them, then went back to touching her face, her breasts, shaking his head slightly when she went to reach for him. He knew what she really wanted, and he was going to answer her every prayer.

She awakens, alone in her bed. Her body sore, aching, yearning for his touch. She sits up slowly, stretching, trying to maintain the feeling. She is confused, why did he leave? Where did he go? She looks down as she realizes she is dressed as she was when she went to bed. She steps into the hall, wanders quietly to the living room. He is there, asleep on the couch. It looks as if he fell asleep while working last night, his mug still on the table, his laptop still turned on. She heads back down the hall to go have a shower. It must have been a dream, but oh god what a dream.

He hears her head back down the hall. He aches, his body, his heart. He’d barely had time to dress her, hide the evidence of their lovemaking, and get back to the couch before she woke. He hadn’t meant to drift off with her. But she was exquisite, and it felt so right to have her in his arms. If only she were meant for him, but it couldn’t be. She had to believe it was just a dream. Time to get up and ready to go. After all, it wouldn’t do for her to be late to her own wedding.

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Crimson Duchess

Goodbye

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2U0Ivkn2Ds

I was shutting things down for the night;

taking myself to bed

though my heart felt so heavy,

and I felt so small.

Feeling as if the world remembered

that I was not meant to be happy,

to smile.

Not meant to laugh, or love.

Feeling as if no one would understand or could.

Feeling lost, alone, adrift.

The tears shimmering in my eyes,

unable to release them,

unable to contain them.

I knew, I couldn’t help but know.

I was letting go,

Saying goodbye.

Giving up.

My heart is aching.

My soul shattered.

I feel the numbness begin to take over.

Trying to save me from the pain.

I’m shutting things down,

for the night,

for always.

My heart? What heart?

Goodbye

Crimson Duchess

Still Broken

So, I have something else I was working on, much sexier than this. But I came across a picture that got me thinking.

Healing

And I realized a couple of things that seem rather important to me now. After my marriage dissolved I did not really give myself time to heal. I was into another relationship in such a short period of time that I didn’t realize I even needed to heal. I thought, that because I already had someone new in my life, that I must have already been healing before the break had even truly happened. That I had begun to heal before the full hurt had occurred. I know, dumb of me. The second thing I realized was that when you are broken, and you are with someone else that is also broken, that you cannot heal what is missing in them anymore than they can heal what is missing in you.

When my relationship ended, I thought that I would never heal. And, had a few things not happened, I would be shattered still. First, after permitting him to keep a presence in my life I finally said no more. We would not speak again for nearly six months, and then not by my choice. Next I began to spend time away from the things we did together. I am a gamer (of sorts) and we had always done so together. I stepped back from the games and began to focus on other things.

Then my new obsession began, I was introduced to Twitter (yes Mel I know, kicking, screaming, and pouting the whole way). I’ve touched on Twitter before, told you all how that happened, I’ll not do so again. But you need to understand that the last puzzle pieces were put into place for me after I joined. I’ve spoken about becoming a part of the Crimson River but you need to know it began before that. I met Becca, Caro, May, Cindy, Nikki, Leslie…. There were others of course but these are the one I spoke to the most, the ones I speak with regularly still. Of course there were a few men as well, but the only one that I spoke with quite a bit that I still speak with quite a bit is Sir… Even typing here I cannot make myself call him by name instead, but as he seems to like it I’ll keep using it for now. Please keep in mind I am not discounting any of you but these are the people that were here from the start, that haven’t disappeared on me. The ones I still talk to, if not every day then most days. Well ok, we all know Sir is only around about once a week but he is an important part of this too.

You see, talking with them I began to realize that I could be me. It took me a little bit before I was willing to admit that I am a sub, but when I did not one of them turned away from me. When I told Sir about a friend that freaked out on me upon finding out, he told me that (that) guy wasn’t worth my time. That a real friend would accept me as I am not how they thought I should be. Because of these people, my heart began to heal. Slowly at first, but a little more each day.

By the time I’d met more of you, I was standing a little taller (Shut it with the short jokes Mel). I was brought into the TOK Family and in nothing flat I found out that my heart had healed enough to accept that I would never walk away from my newest family. Even the scary ass brother. When I look back from that point I realize that I had already collected pieces of my heart from other people.  My girls, my Sir, my pain in the butt boys, they had helped me so much. When we became part of TOK we solidified more, became a stronger family.

And then came the Crimson River, and our Keeper of the Crimson Quill. He guided the River around us, brought us in, he told us to enjoy the waters whether we added to them or not. And then he gently taught us how to bleed. We became stronger as a family, our lifeblood pouring into the River, the River flowing into us. And again I felt I had healed more.

When I saw that picture tonight though I realized something important. I’ve been trying to move on as if I’ve never been broken. I’ve been trying to heal so the scars no longer show. I know now that it won’t happen. The scars remain, even if somewhat faded. There are still pieces of my heart I can’t seem to replace. I am still broken. But you know what? It’s alright. Because I found another picture too, one that says it all…

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Crimson Duchess

i wish

i wish i could take away all Your pain, all the hurt, all the sorrow. i wish that i could make You feel wanted, needed, and loved like You’ve never felt before. i wish that i could make everything right for You. But all i can do is be here, hope You know how i feel about You and hope that someday Your hurts will be a distant memory and, even if You no longer need me, that You will remember what it was to be loved without reservation, unconditionally, and without end.

i wish i could wipe the worry from Your brow, take the strain from Your shoulders, calm the beat of Your heart. i wish i could help You, share Your load, and remind You that You are never alone, even when it feels otherwise. But all i can do is listen when You talk, hold You when You feel weary and hope that You will always know, even when there is distance between us it is never too far for love.

i know i am not who You want, that i will probably be forgotten in time, but for as long as You need me, i will be here, to listen to You, to hold You, to love You. So long as i live You will never truly be alone, my love will always remain, my heart and soul are Yours.

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Crimson Duchess

Oblivion

It began as a joke. Just a stupid little giggle. How the hell was I supposed to know it would backfire so badly?

It started with Mel and I meeting the most amazing people on this social media site. You know the type I mean. She had me following some of the folks she’d met, and a few celebs. She kept trying to get me to ask for follows and well, it’s not my style. Everything was going well, I was meeting new folks, most of whom I liked, a few I didn’t, and even a small number that I was getting attached to. I don’t remember who sent us in their direction but all of a sudden we were following a trio that did a slasher flick. Matt was freaking hot, those eyes of his, just wow. Then there was Di, the most gorgeous woman I’d ever met who was actually just as beautiful on the inside. Then their monster, Marcus. Don’t misunderstand, I knew that there was a real man behind the mask, but even on Twitter he stayed in character.

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I ordered the movie, one for each of us since Mel’s birthday was coming up and I wanted to get it for her.  The Friday before her birthday was girl’s night at my place and we watched the movie. Normally a slasher doesn’t really affect me after it’s over. I watch it, get scared, have fun, put it away and go to bed not thinking of it again. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy them, and I’ll discuss them and such but I don’t get scared, truly scared, ever. Well, almost never. Mel slept here that night and I slept fine.

It wasn’t until the next night after I went to bed that I realized just how many creepy sounds a house makes at night. I turned on my fan and went to sleep. Somewhere around 3am I woke to the sounds of humming. In a slight panic I sat up, turned on my light, and surveyed my room. I couldn’t hear the humming anymore and was fairly certain I must have dreamt it, but I’m paranoid in the wee small hours so I made sure my critters were in my room, closed my door, and locked it. I know, paranoid. I told the group the next day and we all got a little laugh out of it. Even the Marcus guy joined in, he made a couple comments and I giggled along with the rest.

After that, every time we watched the movie the same thing would happen. Not always the humming, sometimes I’d hear his voice. But the next day I’d feel stupid, tell Mel, she’d laugh with me, and I’d get back to normal life. She brought it up on Twitter again one day and the rest of the group teased me a little. Well most of them. I noticed that not one of our Dark Royals (Matt, Di, and Marcus) said a word. I just assumed they weren’t online, or that they didn’t feel the need to comment. I spoke with Di later though. She asked me how many times it had happened, and to please let her know if it happened again. An odd request but sure, anything for my Lady Di.

About a month later I decided to watch The Orphan Killer on the big screen at home. Mel wasn’t over but she and I, and a couple of the other girls were going to watch it while we talked over Skype. It wasn’t the first time I’d done this but it was a first for this movie. So we all got set up, drinks, snacks, iPads/tablets, put the movie in and hit play at the same time. It was a blast; we were talking to each other during the movie and tweeting to the rest of the group at the same time. I wasn’t worried, I’d watched it at Mel’s on Halloween and nothing had happened. Of course the girls teased me about it and I, being ever so dumb, jokingly said that if our Bloody Brother Marcus, wanted to cause me pain, he knew where to find me.

Just as the movie finished Di came onto Twitter. She sent me a private message telling me that she and Matt had discussed it and wanted me to go spend the night at Mel’s. I had to point out to her that there was no way that was going to happen. It had been snowing all day, was still snowing, and wasn’t expected to stop until the following night. She then asked me if I slept with my door open or closed. I explained that because of the cats I normally slept with it open. She insisted that if I was going to stay home that I was to close my door, lock it if I could, and block it with as much furniture as I could move. I will admit that I thought my Lady Di had gone round the twist as my Granny used to say. But I agreed to please her. I of course had no intentions of doing so. Then I got a private message from Matt. “I want a picture of your door locked and blocked”. I told him that my internet reception sucked in my bedroom, which it does, and he sent me a cell phone number. “Send it there.” Now I will admit this freaked me out a little bit. It seemed to me that they were going a little overboard just to continue a joke. But well, I’ve seen those eyes. And I was picturing the look I’d be getting from him.

Matt's Choice

So after I closed everything up for the evening, I brought my critters into my room, closed my door, locked it, and began to put furniture up against it. The door is in a small alcove into my room so I actually jammed furniture in there. I didn’t have much in my room but I brought some things in beforehand. I had so much in front of the door by the time I went to bed that all I could think of was please don’t let me have to pee.

Did you know that when you let yourself focus on one thought, and only that thought, that sleep will not come? Three hours later I was still sitting in the dark, on my bed, fully dressed, my cell phone on silent in my hand as I strained my ears. Every small sound made me jump. At one point, I was certain I heard something unusual but it was only once. A few minutes later I was nearly certain I heard that damn humming, but it stopped soon after. Eventually morning came, and I called the cell number Matt had given me. He answered and told me it should be safe to leave my room. He asked what I heard, had anything happened. I said not that I was aware of, I thought I’d heard humming, and something else but I wasn’t sure. As I was talking to him I was moving everything. As I shifted the bench away from the door, I noticed something sticking through the wood, something metallic but kind of red. I mentioned it to Matt and as I was opening the door he was yelling at me not to. Oh how I wish I had listened.

When I came to, there were policemen in my house. Mel was here. Matt had called her when I fainted. She called the police and came straight over. I knew there was a reason I’d given her a key. I stood up, against her wishes, and went upstairs. The police must have taken me downstairs when they arrived. My roomie was dead. In his bed, in his sleep, his head chopped off. There was blood all over his room. Then a trail leading to my door, his head pined by a machete. Two words above his head, “You’re Next.”

Oblivion.

 

Crimson Duchess

Mine

His lips were hot, she felt as if he were branding her. Claiming her, marking her as his for the world to see. A simple kiss on the forehead and she was his. His lips began to travel; he kissed her nose, her cheeks, one at a time of course, her chin, before, at last, gently kissing her lips. His tongue traced her lips, and she felt his smile as hers parted. His lips left hers, she felt bereft and then not as she felt them on her neck.

She could not tell you when her shirt melted away, or when her bra disappeared. All she knew was what she felt. His hands on her shoulders as he nibbled lightly on her neck. His fingers slipping slowly down her body until they paused at her breasts, his lips following the trail. The heat of his mouth as he licked, sucked, and kissed each nipple in turn. His hands on her hips seemed cause her slacks to vanish but she was unaware.

He stepped back, looking at her intently as if appraising what he saw. She began to notice her state of undress but a look from him froze her. She ceased trying to cover herself, her eyes dropping, looking at the floor. Her cheeks red, hot, embarrassed down to her very core. She heard him circle her. She saw his shoes enter her field of vision, blurry through her tears.

“You are mine.”

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Crimson Duchess

My Rant

Ok, so it’s time for your Crimson Duchess to tell a couple of truths. To point out some things that I have kept inside of my noggin thus far. Some of you may decide that, once I’ve said my piece, you want nothing more to do with me. Hell, you may all decide this. And that’s fine. I am fairly certain that some of you will decide that I am referring to you in particular and be offended. If you think that this is about you specifically, if you see yourself in this, then most likely even if it’s not aimed at you now it will be relevant to you in the future. Normally I would apologize for any offense but I am tired and incapable of caring right at this moment.

You see, your Duchess hates drama. In nearly every case, in almost every instance of protracted drama I have walked away. If there is trouble in your life I am, of course, a willing shoulder, an open ear, a sounding board, and always open arms. When you have issues, I will listen so that you can get it off your chest, which I see as a necessity. But there is a difference between trouble, issues, and drama.

Trouble is something that, whether it is your doing or not, you want to solve. Something that you will discuss once or twice for advice, you will listen to said advice, and you will implement whatever portions seem the most relevant.

Issues, in my definition, are not something you yourself can necessary solve. Issues crop up daily but they are not big, they are little things. Annoying but usually solvable in their own good time. Although I have been known to mention to one friend that he did not have issues, he had subscriptions. But that was because to him everything was an issue. I cancelled my subscriptions from him, mainly as I saw that his issues we becoming nothing more than drama.

Drama. You know I loved drama class in school. I couldn’t stand up in front of the school to save my life but I was awesome as support staff. Then I came out into the real world. And I find that it is full of drama! Drama being, fiction (although it can be reality based), pretend, making more of something than it truly needs to be.

Ok, does everyone understand the differences? No? Alright, let’s put it another way.

In my life I have had plenty of trouble. Not getting into trouble, but trouble. For example, and this will be minor, when I was younger I nearly ended up in jail because I wished to keep someone I loved out. My trouble was that I could not see that he would have allowed me to end up behind bars to keep himself free. When an officer that I had never met before came and told me this guy’s full legal history I was stunned. The cop watched me for a few minutes as I came to grips with what I’d been told. Then he did something that would get him fired these days, he came around to my side of the table, opened his arms, and held me as I cried. Without his help, without his arms, I would have ended up in jail. He helped me in my time of trouble as I am more than willing to help all of you. (But please stay out of that kind of trouble.)

We all have issues, a recent issue for me was that damn cast. The issue of course being, that once the novelty wore off, it was still here. Walking was difficult, driving uncomfortable, and I think I kicked more things while wearing it than I ever do without it. It wasn’t something I could solve, I simply had to bide my time until I could take it off and be free! Until they told me to wear my fracking runners until more healing is done…

Drama, on the other hand is something I chose not to indulge in. Although it appears to hunt me down with a rather voracious appetite. This, for me, is when someone constantly feels the need to one up someone else simply to get attention. Another would be when I am put in the middle of a conversation that I have no need to be involved in. Drama is when I find myself wondering why I sign on to Twitter every day. If I wish to feel my energy being drained I have several ex-friends I could contact. When I begin the day bright and full of energy (ok once I actually fully wake up), and by dinner time I have a headache and a strong desire to never log into my Twitter account again, I know there has been too much drama.

Now, before you all get up in arms with me, or feel hurt because you are ever so certain I am referring to you. Consider this, I have ceased following a few people lately because I was exhausted by their drama. If I am still following you I have not as of yet reached that point. If, however, you see yourself in my rant, then perhaps you need to rethink the way you interact with the world. I have learned three things about this world that I find relevant to Twitter.

  1. Just because you can say anything you wish, does not mean you should. The truth is always preferable, exaggeration is unnecessary. I am not referring to goofing off, joking around, what have you…
  2. There is always someone in a worse position. Have you read the news lately? This does not mean that, when someone shares with you, you have a need to tell them how much worse things are, or have been, for you. Offer a shoulder, a hug, and save your story for another day. Empathy is appreciated, one up man ship, not so much.
  3. If you put love and positive emotions out there, you will get a lot of love and positive emotions back. If you put negative thoughts and feelings into the ether, the ether sends it all right back with a side order of holy fuck. I’m not saying you always get back only what you send out, god knows that’s not true. What I’m saying is that you get more of what you give. I find that when I send out love and hugs, it not only makes the ones receiving it feel better, but it makes me happy too. I can’t always solve the problem but I can always be there when I’m needed.

Alright, I am worn out. I always try to find the silver lining, the brightness in the cloudiest of days. But there are days when it’s been too much for this girl and all she wants to do is crawl back into her corner. The darkness is comforting, and no one can see your tears without light. And that, that is the worst part when it comes to drama. I rarely know it’s drama to begin with and so I try to help. I get caught up in the other person’s perceived hurts and my heart aches immensely when I cannot solve it, or even help. Then the truth comes out, the lie revealed, and my heart breaks.

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Crimson Duchess